My Aspirational Driver’s License

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I’m reasonably pleased about that; there’s a small celebration with friends planned for tonight and tomorrow I’m taking the day more-or-less off, with some climbing planned in a gym that I should have mostly to myself and some pizza at my favorite place (which I haven’t had in a couple years) and other good stuff that isn’t good for the diet but is okay for the one day.

39 and holding mug

I’ll be 39 tomorrow. But actually 39, not 39 in the sense that I’m 40 but claim to be “39 and holding” because I’m horrified by round numbers. I’ll be 39 in the born-in-1976 sense. Mug available at

Tomorrow will also include a trip to the DMV. Yep, my license is expiring, and while I could technically just send off for a sticker to renew it (I’m a good boy who hasn’t had any accidents or violations in the past 4 years, because I’m awesome and maybe also because I don’t have a car), but I don’t want to.

First off, the license picture looks nothing like me. Not (just) because it’s a bad DMV picture, but because I had a scraggly long beard and scraggly long hair. (At least, scraggly for me; I normally just buzz it with clippers.) In my defense, I was growing it out for a play—I was portraying a bitter priest who had lost his faith when he died, and that was the look the writer/director wanted. But it is not a good look in general and on me in particular.

Second, the weight is, happily, grossly inaccurate.

The weight has always been grossly inaccurate. When I got the license, it was, shall we say, aspirational. Now, four years later, it’s quite a few pounds above my actual weight.

I don’t think I’m a particularly vain person, but I’d like my license to reflect who I am now, rather than who I was then.

Only that’s a lie, because I’m not going to put my actual current weight on the license. Once again, it will be aspirational. I’m just trying to figure out how aspirational. I don’t, of course, want it to be completely ludicrous (I’m not going to pass for 160), but I am also expecting to succeed at losing more weight, and I’d rather not have a weight on my license that’s much too high for most of the next 4 years.

‘Tis a quandary. I’m not certain how it shall turn out.

Hopefully the climbing will be easier.


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Filed under Climbing, Funny

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