J’Accuse, iPhone!

Evil iPhone

iPhone image by Rayukk available under Creative Commons from http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:IPhone6_silver_frontface.png. Public Domain Dracula image by Nemo available from http://pixabay.com/en/dracula-vampire-bloodthirsty-evil-303486/. Artless combination of the two by me.

“iPhone, you are charged with knowingly and willfully misrepresenting in a fraudulent manner the distance traveled by a runner training for a race in a given period of time, thereby misleading him about his pace and inducing him to feel pride he does not deserve. How do you plead?”

“Blame Google Maps. Also, iOS 8.2 is now available for your phone. Please download it now so that you’ll be able to be constantly offered the opportunity to sync your iPhone with the Apple Watch that you don’t have but really should get for no reason other than the fact that I’m going to annoy you a lot until you do so give us your money NOOOOOWWWWWW!”

I ran today. And my phone lied to me.

The horror! What will happen next? Are you going to tell me that I shouldn’t trust Donald Trump? Please don’t; I couldn’t live if I had to recognize that everything he says is an absolute pile of crap.

Anyhow… the run went well, but according to the phone, the run went very well. 5K in 27:15, which isn’t technically impossible, but it’s not likely. I have an official 5K race time of 26:24, but that took place as the culmination of a training period, on a day with more-or-less perfect conditions and even a fellow who seemed to be a much faster runner than me using the race as an easy fun run and therefore serving as a perfect pace man for me to run at the fastest feasible rate for me.

Today’s run happened at 39 degrees, with a 17 mile-per-hour wind that was in my face for about 2/3 of it. (It wasn’t some magical wind that shifted to always be in my face; it’s just that I ran for about 30 minutes, which was long enough to go to a convenient turnaround point, with the wind in my face the whole way, but only partway home with the wind at my back, after which I walked, which I’m not including in this record.) I’ve also been running only for about three weeks this year, and this was only my second run that hit 5K this year, and the previous one was nearly 2 minutes slower. Moreover, the phone’s alert after the first kilometer gave me what seemed to be an unrealistically fast pace. Not enough to be absolutely certain, but enough that I don’t feel comfortable saying that I’m currently doing my 5Ks in 27 and change.

That’s okay, of course. I’ve documented my obsession for numbers here before, as well as my recognition that individual data points can be irrelevant outliers, and this is probably one of those cases. But even so, I can say that I had a good run, and even though the numbers are probably not completely correct, the run was still fundamentally sound from a training standpoint.

“And anyhow, what are you going to do? Switch to Android just because my GPS receiver is occasionally a bit wonky?”

“Good point. Case dismissed!”

Pound! Pound! Pound!

“Well now my screen’s cracked. Thanks, judge.”


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Filed under Funny, Running, Training

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