There are plenty of places online that will give you advice on how to complete various popular obstacle course race obstacles. This is not one of those places. This series of posts will teach you how to fail those popular obstacles. More specifically, this series will teach you how to fail obstacles—with style and panache. If you’re going to earn burpees, you might as well earn those burpees.
Today’s obstacle: The Wall Climb. Yep, this straightforward classic.
Here’s a step-by-step guide to how to not do the wall climb, in style:
- Paint yourself bright red.
- Inflate yourself until you appear bulbous and friendly. You may need to relocate certain facial features, perhaps even moving your smile all the way to your groin.
- Position yourself to approach the wall. It would behoove you to start at least twenty feet from the wall’s base, but the specific distance is between you and your god.
- Run toward the wall. Surprisingly, you don’t need to run at maximum speed; a lazy shuffle should be adequate.
- As you come close to the wall, raise your arms.
- Make impact with the wall.
- Break through the wall
- Shout, “Oh yeah!”
- The next step will vary somewhat with your surroundings: You may need to thwart a bank robbery, or rescue skateboarders from dehydration, or perhaps even provide an excuse for a band at a school dance to stop playing in the middle of a song. Use your best judgment; adjusting to each race’s unique conditions is the hallmark of a great obstacle course racer.
- Serve everyone present a “beverage” that comes from your head.
You will have to do burpees after this, and the shards of wall that you produce might impale your fellow racers’ feet, and you’ll probably needlessly contribute to backups at the obstacle, but I think we can all agree: It’s worth it.