The Nipple Saga Continues: BodyGlide Makes Me A Real Runner?

To follow up on the issues with my tuning knobs, I did take my friend’s advice and got myself some BodyGlide.


I got the middle one. I’m not sure why all three sticks share just a single cap, though.

It’s kind of a personal, awkward thing to have to purchase. I’m glad I looked up online the stores that carry it, because its retailers are a bit more specialized than I’d hoped. I initially thought it might be in the pharmacy part of my grocery store, so i could buy it in complete privacy, except for the writing about it on the blog part. I could wedge it in between some flank steak and a bag of kale and the checkers wouldn’t have even noticed, as long as the bar code registered. Not the most attentive folks, those checkers. Diligent about announcing price checks for items to address chafing over the PA system, but not attentive.

Alas, it wasn’t to be. The closest store that had it was that dreadful Sports Authority, which may be a blessing. I don’t respect them, they don’t respect me, so what better place to make awkward purchases?

Finding BodyGlide in a Sports Authority isn’t easy for the chafing neophyte. There isn’t a “BodyGlide” section. What sport does it fall under? Running was the closest thing to an obvious choice, but that section seemed pretty limited to clothes. At least the men’s running section. I didn’t go through the women’s section thoroughly, because weird. General fitness? No luck, although it looks like they’ve invented soft fabric kettlebells weighing four pounds for… Well, I’m not sure who the audience is, but I hope it does them good. I tried the bike section, even though that mockery of gear makes me weep for engineering. There was a lengthy rack up front by the registers that seemed appropriate for miscellaneous smallish gear, but the whole thing was consumed by candy. (Do all sporting goods stores have a candy aisle, or does Sports Authority just have a loose definition of sport?)

I made another round of the store checking out all of the little kiosks in the middle of the aisles. There were a lot of these, and they followed no reason at all-there were earbuds next to protective cups, which isn’t even correct anatomically (I hope). And since there were so many and I thought I might have missed some, I wound up doing a third round, just to make sure.

Me walking around in circles repeatedly didn’t attract any attention, which probably says something disturbing. But as my phone insisted the BodyGlide was somewhere on the premises, I persisted and asked the first person I saw who worked there. “Do you have BodyGlide?”

“Yes,” she said brightly and then went back to pleating some neon jerseys, which is not the post-apocalyptic sex act you might think.

“Can you tell me where?”

“I’ll show you,” she said, with a big, and clearly murderous, smile. But she didn’t act on her desire for blood as she led me to the nondescript middle of one of the nondescript shoe aisles, where a few sticks of BodyGlide were hanging on a nondescript peg.

I was tempted to wear it out, just to annoy her, but there are some lines I only cross on the blog. Plus, I wasn’t running, so why waste it?

I got (is that really the right word?) to use the BodyGlide the next day. The instructions are a bit vague (“Apply where needed”) and slightly worrying (“Wash off with mild soap”). Is the soap I use normally mild enough? I am not cool with having to purchase specialized extra-mild nipple soap.

“Apply” is a slightly odd term. BodyGlide comes in a stick rather than a gel, so you have to rub it on like Speed Stick rather than smear like Vaseline. It was pretty easy to address the smooth part of my arm where the strap was rubbing, but the teats are a bit trickier. I mean, they’re inherently sticky-outy bits—thus the issue in the first place—so rubbing a solid object against them is an odd feeling. Is there a proper form for that? Do you go vertical or sideways? I tried them all but ultimately went hybrid, going vertical but holding the stick vertically too. It seemed to have the least amount of grip and grab.

Also, how much is enough? Is one pass enough or should there be a visible layer of white covering the pink? Again, I went for a mid-point, applying enough that there were a few flaky white bits trapped in the crevices of my front horns.

Chestburster alien

Fortunately, this didn’t happen.

It all seemed to work. I finished the run that day with no particular pain, or bleeding, or chestburster alien awakenings. Of course, that was a relatively short run, just 5K, which from my reading online seems to be a bit shorter than when issues tend to start. I’ll be doing a somewhat longer run today, so fingers crossed. (But, as always, nipples straight ahead.)


Leave a comment

Filed under Funny, Running, Training

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s