How Not To Do the Spear Throw

There are plenty of places online that will give you advice on how to complete various popular obstacle course race obstacles. This is not one of those places. This series of posts will teach you how to fail those popular obstacles. More specifically, this series will teach you how to fail obstacles—with style and panache. If you’re going to earn burpees, you might as well earn those burpees.

Today’s obstacle: The Spear Throw.

  1. Take a spear.
  2. Examine it closely for any slight curvature or irregularity, like you’re a douchebag playing pool at a bar.
  3. Once convinced that it’s perfectly straight, find a friend and re-enact the light saber battle from Star Wars, or, if it’s not a very good friend, the light saber battle from Spaceballs.
  4. You should now feel like a jedi, which is quite important. Time to prepare physically. Grab the spear in one hand, preferably the one you throw with, and preferably with the point aimed at the target.
  5. Fix your stance. Your feet should be slightly wider than shoulder width, and your knees slightly bent, and your toes crossed, and your calves relaxed, and your thighs clenched.
  6. While you’re here, are you into musicals? Because this is the perfect time for it. One theory about the singing in musicals is that it happens when the level of emotion is so heightened that mere talking can no longer express it. And what is more intense than the spear throw? It’s a fucking obstacle based on focus rather than raw power or speed, with devastating penalties for failure and a glorious bonus for success. So take this opportunity to let your heart’s song out. “Spear” is pretty easy to rhyme with, but if you want extra credit, try rhyming with “javelin.” And don’t forget that you need a dance as well—and you will get penalty burpees if you just crib the “Step in Time” choreography from Mary Poppins.
  7. By this time you might be huffing and puffing a bit, so exit stage right to let the supporting cast throw their spears. Don’t worry—they’re really only there to make you look good by comparison.
  8. Get back in line and just throw the damn thing.
  9. Realize 12 nanoseconds before you release that you’re standing on the retrieval rope.
  10. Try to abort; wind up half-aborting, so the spear travels a full 6 inches away from your hand.
  11. Shout all the profanities you know.
  12. Shout a few profanities you don’t know. “Pilkunnussija” isn’t entirely appropriate here, but it’s a great word, and it would be just the third Finnish word you use (after “sauna” and “Molotov cocktail”).
  13. Burpee.
  14. Wonder if Tough Mudder might be on to something with the whole no-penalty thing.
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4 Comments

Filed under Funny, How Not To

4 responses to “How Not To Do the Spear Throw

  1. Molly Watkins

    I laughed uncontrollably just visualizing your mighty throw— and then the inglorious landing 6 inches away!

    Like

  2. Pingback: How Not To Do the Bucket Brigade | Fat Boy Big Wall

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