Chris Peak is Fart-Riddled and His Friends Can Only Tolerate Him for Short Periods

My garters are in a bunch because I have never been so ENRAGED!

Someone on the internet—on the Huffington Post, even!—said some mean things about obstacle course racing. I’d link to the article, but I’ve tried eight times, and it keeps redirecting to That’s how mad I am!

Chris peak, the supposed "author" of a mean thing about OCR on the internet.

See! He’s just a guy with boogers coming out his nose and a huge red ear and weird orange eyebrows and green splotchy things on his neck that he should have looked at and a poo on his shoulder.

This guy, this Chris Peak (who I bet isn’t even a real mountain!), saw a picture of a guy jumping over fire in an obstacle course race and he thinks that our lives are so bad that we choose to light ourselves on fire.

Obstacle course runners don’t set ourselves on fire, Chris Peak. We come close to setting ourselves on fire but jump at the last minute. And some people do flips over the fire because they are our betters. And they are your betters too.

He said that obstacle course races have dumb names, which is also really not true. I am a Spartan and that is my official title and you will respect that! It’s on my Facebook profile, and on the bumper sticker on my Trek bike, and my underwear, and my LinkedIn page, and the tattoo on my butt.

And who is this Don from Accounts Receivable guy he talks about? I don’t know anyone named Don, and if I did, I’d stop knowing him unless he agreed to call himself Beast Mode.

So this is an open letter to you, Chris Peak, because I know that you are reading this. I am better than you because I am able to overcome any obstacle, and if there’s an obstacle that I come across that I can’t overcome I can do burpees as a penalty. Just like in real life. So I challenge you to an obstacle course race-off. We’ll run head to head, and if I win, I get to slap you silly, and if you win, I’ll slap you silly anyhow.

And by the way, I love tea. And vacuuming. I sometimes vacuum the tea just to speed up the process.


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