The American Ninja Warrior/RuPaul’s Drag Race Crossover You Didn’t Know You Needed

(What the what? Well, I like American Ninja Warrior [though the Japanese was better] and I like RuPaul’s Drag Race [though it peaked at season 4], and while there may not be a huge overlap in their fandoms, since they overlap in me I figured I would mash them up, in as much as my Photoshop* skills allow.)

From the land of the rising sun, 100 determined drag queens have accepted the challenge to become… Ninja Warrior. Competitors face the ultimate test of shade and will in their quest to become champion. Many are called, few are chosen. Now, let’s find out who’s tough enough to become the next: Ninja Warrior.

Several queens from the past have returned to take on Mt. Midoriyama. In the last episode, 30 queens took on the challenge of the brutal first stage obstacles, but every one was eliminated. The next 30 challengers are lining up at the starting gate.

Up first:

AkashiaBreaking the dawn since Two thousand and ermahmm… it’s Akashia! But as she starts her run, she needs to apply the Stage 1 filter.

Akashia with Stage 1 FilterMuch better! And with that done she tackles the Sextuple Step, and…

Akashia falling on Sextuple StepTragedy! She trips on some shady work by the captioner. Akashia’s gown may be gorgeous—but let’s hope it’s waterproof as well.

Up next: if she’s not your favorite queen, then you have no soul. It’s only LATRICE “MOTHERFUCKING” ROYALE!

Latrice RoyaleShe’s running well up to the Cannonball Incline, when she mistakes the cannonballs for a certain type of legume…

Latrice on Cannonball InclineGet those nuts away from her face! Unfortunately, one thing she won’t be able to keep away from her face… is the water below.

From everyone’s favorite queen to another person who was on the show, it’s Laganja Estranja!

Laganja EstranjaWe’re not sure how thoroughly medicated she is, but she shouted “Ninja Warrior! Let’s get sickening! OKURRRRR!” and the first several obstacles simply scampered away. But on the Floating Tiles:

Laganja Estranja death drop on floating tilesDid she death drop or drop dead? Is that even legal? We could look it up, but frankly, we stopped caring. Moving on to:

MilanLondon… Paris… New York… Chicago… Shreveport… Akron… Des Moines… Albuquerque…

Despite the fact that we can’t remember her name, she’s doing quite well, all the way to the jumping spider, where:

Milan on the Jumping SpiderSHE JUST SWIFFERED THE JUMPING SPIDER WITH HER TAINT! And with that amazing display of flexibility, power, and ill-conceived wig removal, Milan is on to stage 2!

And our final competitor. From such films as Screech of the Decapitated, Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives, and The Lego Movie (as one of those weird three-prong Lego blocks that nobody uses), it’s Willam!

WillamShe’s coming up to the Metal Spin, which… it looks like the Metal Spin has been replaced by Alaska! But she leaps up, and…

Willam on the Alaska spinGrabs it with her mouth and swings to safety! I don’t know why I’m using an exclamation point there; I don’t think there’s anyone on the planet who’s surprised that she was able to do that with her mouth and beard. But anyhow, she completes the course and moves on.

Today, 30 more challengers battled the difficult first stage, but 28 met heartbreaking defeat. Only two queens achieved the near-impossible, crossing the finish line in time. Will anyone else join them in stage two? Stay with us for more smudged mascara… more sickening fashion… and more… Ninja Warrior!

* Not really Photoshop. Since I don’t have Photoshop, I use the free Gimp software and my decidedly limited abilities to do a sad approximation of the same thing. I don’t want to know what Willam would say about that.

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1 Comment

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One response to “The American Ninja Warrior/RuPaul’s Drag Race Crossover You Didn’t Know You Needed

  1. This is the greatest thing I never knew I needed. Thank you for that.

    Like

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