Water Bottles are Hard

It has become necessary for me to purchase a new water bottle.

My water bottle. It's nice.My old one has performed admirably over quite a long time, and it’s got that handy sporty nipple thing that makes drinking during a workout so convenient, but in its old age (much like it would were it human) it has begun leaking small amounts at inopportune times. Less amusingly, it’s also become somewhat ornery to fill at my gym, which has a neat water cooler system that is somewhat stymied by my bottle’s opaqueness. Sometimes I hit the level right, but usually I leave with the bottle half full, or I keep filling well past the upper edge of the bottle and spilling onto the floor, which isn’t an ideal situation

So today I found myself shopping for a new water bottle, which I would not have expected to be complicated. It was.

I went to that infamous den of athletic-adjacent iniquity, my old nemesis, Sports Authority. The first thing I discovered is that water bottles no longer exist.

Now they’re “hydration bottles,” because hydration is way more high-tech. (It’s also what turns concrete from a goopy pile of slop into a sidewalk, so it must be good to shove down your gullet.)

Hydration Bottles sign at Sports Authority

It’s horrifying just how complicated water bottles have become. You’d think the bottle would be a mature technology that wouldn’t require much in the way of advancement… But you’d be wrong.

Just look at all of the lid styles. There are sippy-cup style lids, lids with cages, lids with other styles of cages, lids with push buttons to open them, and lids that are just giant chutes to dump as much hydration as possible into your face.

There are lids with straws attached so you can drink the good water at the bottom first, as God intended. Water bottle with attached straw

And if you’re temperature-sensitive, there are bottles with enough insulation that you could comfortably trek to the North Pole inside them. Underwater.

Insulated water bottleThere are bottles with a dodecahedron inside that will help you shake protein shakes, because a normal traditional bottle is too bottle-like for that, and shaking bottles is hard for people who spend a lot of time working out.


Bottle with embedded protein-shaking thingAnd best of all, there are strange water bottle/mister hybrids that you can both drink from and use to make yourself moist, which was desperately needed by… I haven’t a clue who. Probably middle-aged, wealthy housewives who go to the gym in full makeup and don’t exercise but still “feel the burn.”

Water bottle/mister hybridDespite all of these options, the store didn’t have any bottles with the feature that I actually wanted, that sport nipple thingy that actually helps you to drink from it while working out but minimizing the amount that will spill if you accidentally knock it over.

The result is that I’m at an aquatic impasse: I didn’t buy any of those craptacular bottles, but I still need to replace my old one. What to do? Perhaps I’ll move to Canada—I think you can get handy water bags up there.


1 Comment

Filed under Funny, Training

One response to “Water Bottles are Hard

  1. Pingback: Now Shorts are Complicated | Fat Boy Big Wall

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