Exclusive: The “Beast Mode” Interview

Werewolf from Dark Shadows.

Not actually Beast Mode. Actually from the TV show Dark Shadows, via https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Alex_Stevens_werewolf_Dark_Shadows_1969.JPG

“Beast Mode” is one of the most important tools in the obstacle course racer’s arsenal of course-tackling paraphernalia. In fact, next to shoes with good treads, mustard, and abs of steel, beast mode is arguably the only thing separating a racer from ignominious death, or sadness, or at least flatulence.

But perhaps because beast mode is so well-established in the world of obstacle course racing, few people know its origins. Beast Mode is not a concept handed down through generations from time immemorial—it’s actually a rather modern invention with a fascinating history.

And so, Fat Boy Big Wall is proud to bring you an exclusive interview with the inventor of Beast Mode, Greta Beast.

Fat Boy Big Wall: Thank you so much for talking with me today. Can you tell me how you discovered Beast Mode?

Greta Beast: It was during a really dark time in my life: 1982. I’d just gotten a divorce, and was having to learn who I truly was and how to stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life. But my favorite diet candy had been turned into a deadly disease, my Ms. Pac-Man developed an allergy to pears, and my shoulder pads were flat and lifeless. I had hit rock bottom.

FBBW: And then?

GB: I knew I had to change. So I did. I summoned that animalistic spirit deep inside myself and literally changed into a wild, snarling beast who could do anything.

FBBW: Wait, literally? Like turning into a werewolf? Lycanthropy?

GB: What’s lycanthropy?

FBBW: Turning into a werewolf.

GB: Oh. Then, yes. I didn’t know who I was, just that I had to do all the things, and then rip them to shreds, howl at the moon, poop on the carpet, and wake up completely naked in a place where I’d never been.

FBBW: Uh, again, literally?

GB: Of course not literally. I hardly ever wake up completely naked in a place where I’d never been. But I realized that by channeling my beast spirit, I could engage Beast Mode and do anything. When I wanted to lose weight, I went Beast Mode on my Jane Fonda tapes. When I needed a job, I went Beast Mode on the interview. When I needed a car, I went Beast Mode on the Le Car dealership.

FBBW: Fascinating. How exactly do you engage Beast Mode?

GB: It’s easy. You just channel your beast spirit, and that causes Beast Mode to engage.

FBBW: And how does one channel their beast spirit, exactly?

GB: You channel your beast spirit.

FBBW: OK, different tack. Is anything you need in order to engage Beast Mode? An energizer pellet maybe?

GB: [after a lengthy glare] Everything you need is already inside of you.

FBBW: Does it hurt? Squelch your liver? Break a nail?

GB: Only if it hurts to be awesome.

FBBW: So it sounds like there’s really no downside to Beast Mode.

GB: Not one.

FBBW: Then why don’t you just live in Beast Mode all the time?

GB: I do!

FBBW: Oh. So how is it different from normal mode?

GB: I don’t have a normal mode.

FBBW: Then what do you do when you’re in Beast Mode and there’s something you’re trying to do and you just need to put in a little extra bit of effort?

GB: I’m glad you asked. There are a lot of things you can do in that situation. There’s Super Beast Mode, Ultra Beast Mode,  Mega Beast Mode, Turbo Beast Mode, Beast Mode Zeo…

FBBW: Kind of like Power Rangers.

GB: And that lasted for decades, and made billions of dollars, thanks to cheap non-union actors!

FBBW: Billions of dollars… is Beast Mode a money-making scheme?

GB: Absolutely! I’ve got the Beast Mode book, a Beast Mode DVD, Beast Mode calendar, Beast Mode key chain, and Beast Mode phone shaped like a football that I swiped from a Sports Illustrated warehouse. And that’s just to start—before long, we’ll start rolling out Super Beast Mode tea cozies, Beast Mode Ninja vacuum cleaners, and Ultra Mega Beast Mode home colonic irrigation kits.

FBBW: So it’s not about helping people do stuff, it’s just about cash?

GB: Aw, what a naive little fawn you are. That gives me an idea, though. How about “Beast Mode for Timid Little Wankers?” It’s got a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

FBBW: This interview has taken a turn.

GB: You’re no Oprah. Or Gayle. You ain’t even Nate Berkus.

FBBW: Yeah, but Wikipedia says he went to my high school.

GB: I don’t care! Give me money! Or I’ll go Beast Mode on you!

FBBW: I thought you’re already in Beast Mode.

GB: This interview is OVER!

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