Once again, I find myself outwitted by modern fitness gear.
Last time it was water bottles. This time: pants.
I bought a new pair of workout shorts today. I’ll admit that I didn’t put a lot of thought or attention into the purchase. In general, I don’t feel like shorts have a huge amount of impact on my workout, so I got cheap ones and didn’t really look at them too closely beforehand, apart from checking the size.
So when I got to the gym today, I discovered that they weren’t just shorts. There were shorts inside the shorts. You can sort of see what I mean—or maybe just get your rocks off—in these pervy up-short photos I took:
I don’t know exactly how to describe it better than that, except that maybe there was something vaguely compression-shorty sewed into the pants at the top, but not connected at the bottom.
So, what’s the issue?
Well, I know that you’re not supposed to wear underwear under compression shorts. But what are the rules for wearing underwear under vaguely compression-shortish things sewed into other shorts? Are there even rules for this situation? I don’t know.
I wound up keeping my underwear on—I didn’t even really realize the inner pants’ existence until they were mostly on, and by then it was way too late. You can’t take off shorts once they’re on. I think I heard that on TV once.
So I worked out with the potentially superfluous underpants. Did it chafe? No, not really. It definitely bunched, although I’m not sure if that’s the influence of the under-under pants or just a flaw in the design of the attached underpants. And you don’t even want to think about the air flow situation. I mean, does junk even breathe? Because if so, mine suffocated. If it doesn’t, I guess it was okay. I guess we can’t know for sure until something gets impregnated by me.
I guess the lesson here is that underpants can be a surprisingly dangerous garment. I fully expect Donald Trump to start demanding that we bomb Fruit of the Loom immediately.