Introducing the Spartan DoDelta [satire]

In case you hadn’t heard, Spartan is introducing the Spartan Delta. But of course, you have heard about it, because the leaked news—and the massive hype that sprawled from the fact that nobody provided any information about it, other than their certainty that it was the best thing ever—captured the OCR world’s imagination just like a certain product that I think we can all agree turned out to be the most revolutionary transportation product ever.

Paul Blart riding a segway.

Yes, the Segway. At least it revolutionized the ways in which Kevin James movies could be odious.

But sometimes the brightest stars burn out the fastest, and that’s the case with the Spartan Delta, because there’s already something bigger and better.

Fat Boy Big Wall is pleased to be able to exclusively announce:

Spartan DoDelta (front)

The Spartan DoDelta.

The Spartan DoDelta is a handsome dodecahedron made from a premium alloy of tungsten, cobalt, molybdenum, yttrium, and other trendy metals from the nethers of the periodic table. Even better, each of it’s twelve faces has a slot perfectly designed to display one genuine Spartan Race medal (or, perhaps, one official H. Ross Perot Campaign Button.)

That means that when you get your Quadruple Trifecta™, or your Dodecaperot, you will finally have a means of displaying your accomplishment that suitably reflects the effort, cost, dedication, cost, sacrifice, cost, cost, perseverance, cost, grit, cost, determination, and especially cost you invested in it.

And for your sad, unSpartan friends who may not be able to comprehend all this from a simple dodecahedron, there’s more. Words imprinted on each face in imitation goldesque leavelle spell out the following phrase to help you describe your exploits: “I spent twelve hundred dollars to show medals matter more than experience.” AROO!

Rear of the Spartan DoDelta

See! The words continue on the back!

But while the Spartan DoDelta is the only way to show the real you that you’ve contracted Quadtrifectophenia, that’s not it’s only value. It’s also perfect for playing the brand-new Spartan role-playing game, Cargo Nets & Coliform Bacteria. (You’ll need it to roll to see the length of the ticker-tape parade the mayor throws for you upon completion of your next race—if you land on a Sprint medal, it will only be 3 to 5 miles, but a Beast medal will lead to a 12-mile parade!)

So order your Spartan DoDelta today. Only $1199.99! Operators are standing by.


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1 Comment

Filed under Commentary, Funny, Obstacle Course Racing, Spartan Race

One response to “Introducing the Spartan DoDelta [satire]

  1. Pingback: Spartan Delta Is a Good Thing (Maybe) | Fat Boy Big Wall

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