Let me preface this by saying that I am neither a qualified trainer nor an internationally known sex expert, so if you do this workout, I am not responsible for injuries, blushing, divorce, or chafing.
Secondly, let me express my surprise that this hasn’t been done before. Actually, that’s not completely true. You can find variations of the “fitness terms that sound dirty” article on several magazine websites—all from the same publisher—but that article’s a bit sanitized. It’s being dirty in a family-friendly way that won’t piss off the makers of that Noxzema goo that some people like to spurt all over their faces. Meanwhile, I have no advertisers to offend should I lunge toward obscenity. Really, you could view my lack of popularity as a blow for freedom.
(See what I did there? I said “blow.” Tee hee.)
With that said, let’s get right into the workout:
The Innuendo WOD
- Start with a set of running fartleks. Trust me, you’ll want to get those out of the way.
- A barbell will offer several solid, if obvious, exercise options. Squat presses are a good warm up, but you’ll quickly want to get into a nice clean and jerk. If you’re feeling especially frisky, you can also try to tackle the snatch. And finally, a wrist curl may be an option, depending on your thoughts about stereotypes from 80s movies. No matter what you do, be sure you put all of your weight back on the rack when you’re done.
- Place your palms on a 20-inch box and slowly lower your chest down to it for some inclined push-ups. Then, flip-flop and use the box for tricep dips, making sure your backside stays really close.
- Time for a bit of medicine ball work. Grab your ball firmly and slam it to the ground sexagesimally. You can grab multiple balls if you’re not sure what weight you need. If you need a break, you can split up this set with a round of wall balls. Just keep them spunky!
- For a cardio blast, rip 50 jumping jacks off, real quickly. It should take you less than a minute
Find the nearest climbing wall. Grab a pair of jugs, tight, and pull yourself up until your body gently caresses them. Stay there as long as you can until you just can’t keep yourself up any longer.
- Grab a set of battle ropes and make them undulate up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and back up again.
- Time for some work with the spear. While you can practice your throwing technique, you should also practice with it as a melee weapon, thrusting your spear into a hay bale forcefully, over and over again.
- Finally, find a swimming pool or lake and do 100 meters of breaststroking. Start by breaststroking vigorously, but after you’ve reached a climax you can cool off with some gentle, relaxed breaststroking. And if you are in a lake and you find you’ve gone out too far, it’s perfectly acceptable to ask a man in a boat to help get you off the water.