How To Get Cast On American Ninja Warrior*

*or Spartan Ultimate Team Challenge, or any other OCR- or OCR-adjacent reality show

We’ve all seen the shows, and loved them, and dreamed about being on them, so as to launch us into superstardom and validate our otherwise tiny lives.

So we figure out what we need to apply, and craft our audition videos, and submit them, and hear… nothing.

It’s not our fault. Skill’s not enough to get on a reality TV show. You also need a compelling backstory. And that’s a tricky thing. Most of us are too busy living and stuff to get one.

But now, there’s a solution. If you don’t have a compelling backstory, buy one.

Polydactyl hand

I’ve got polydactyly… but it doesn’t have me! Creative Commons image by Drgnu23 via https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Polydactyly_01_Lhand_AP.jpg

I’ve got several economical and thoroughly non-guaranteed packages. For example, everyone loves the Disease Package. For just $2,500, I’ll give you complete research on a disease that’s obscure but serious-sounding. It’ll be everything you need to pass yourself off as suffering from it, or, if you prefer, to have a loved one who has or died from it that you can dedicate your performance to.

If that’s not enough, a pair of extremely reasonable add-ons are available. For just $1,000, I can give you an authentic-looking document signed in ink by an Official Doctor Substitute formally diagnosing your serious but inspirational condition, in the event that the show demands proof. Or, for a completely separate thousand bucks, I can contract an actor of appropriate age, ethnic background, and ability to cry on cue to portray your loved one.

Of course, diseases can be icky, and you may have ethical concerns about claiming a disease you don’t actually have. No problem! We’ve got plenty of other inspirational backgrounds to choose from.

The Rehabilitated Felon Package is a steal at just $2,200! It includes a custom-created criminal background—one-time or recurring—that you’ve served your time for and which you’re now using to try to inspire others to keep out of trouble. We’ll tell you exactly what you did (including details like the type of property stolen, the specific drugs taken, or the precise breed of rare dog rare dognapped), the situation that you really shouldn’t be blamed for that led you into a life of crime, details about your incarceration, and an inspirational mantra from either the judge who sentenced you, a gruff but caring warden, or the prison roommate who’s uneducated but wise that inspired you to turn your life around. Available add-ons include a professional mugshot package (with hair, makeup, and whimsical greeting cards suitable for giving your relatives a real scare at the holidays) for just $349.99, or an actor to portray the victim of your crime who has recognized that you have fully repented and with whom you now share an unlikely but inspiring friendship ($2,500; only two available per calendar year).

Finding Nemo screenshot

Or, if you prefer, you can be the fish-torturing dentist from Finding Nemo.

Maybe you want something a bit lighter and more fun. Just $1,499 will get you the Wacky Job package. You’ll get all of the information you’ll need to impersonate a circus lion tamer, a parachute instructor, an erectile dysfunction doctor, a racehorse inseminator, or any of dozens of other cool professions. The package includes three portable, career-appropriate props you can bring with you to final auditions or filming days. Plus, for just an extra $500 we’ll give you a wacky career like balloon salesman that lines up with a popular movie, so you’ll be able to say, “It’s like a real-life Up!”

Disadvantaged Backgrounds come in lots of shapes and sizes—poverty and violence are ever-popular, but there’s also religious cults, kidnapping, overcoming a stutter, or parents who kept voting for Lyndon LaRouche. And any of these are available for just $1,999. All disadvantaged background packages come with the free, award-winning guide, 12 Ways to Seamlessly Draw Parallels between the Obstacles You’ve Faced in Your Life with the Obstacles You Face on the Course!

The Unique Living Situation is a great starter package—easy to implement but surprisingly effective. For just $1,200, I’ll give you a trigonomous relationship, a family of ghosts in your house, or a close personal friendship with Carrot Top. (Seriously, he’s desperate!)

Maybe you don’t even want to commit to all of that. For just $599, I can give you a Memorable Personal Style: Rainbow hair, trademark body paint, an obscure superhero you impersonate, a fez, or any of a thousand other options. I’ll provide a general outline but you’ll have final say on colors and design.

All packages come with a customized, easily repeatable hashtag no more than twenty characters long.

Finally, I offer Discount Stories. My full-price backstories are first-rate and guaranteed unique, and extraordinarily likely to get you cast on a reality show of your choice. However, not everyone cast will go far. If you prefer a cheaper option, for half price you can purchase a gently used (No more than one episode) certified pre-owned backstory from our catalog. (A nominal fee may apply for adjusting details to your current situation; actor rental and certain other add-ons are always full price.)

Here’s to your brand-new reality!

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Filed under Commentary, Funny, OCR in culture

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