Fruit Ninja #1: Golden Kiwi

For the first post in my fruit-rating series, I’ve decided on the golden kiwi.

What is it? Well, it’s a kiwi. Or possibly a potato. Seriously:

golden kiwi

The inside is even potatoeyer.

Inside of a golden kiwi.

Perhaps we should call it a kotato. Or a peewee.

What does it taste like? Pretty nice, actually. I was expecting it to be the same as a regular kiwi—that sort of needlessly tart mush that oozes through you like air through a whoopie cushion. Instead, it was gently tart, and fairly sweet. And the texture was weirdly cooked-potatolike: soft but with enough body that it would hold your bite marks. The skin was also a lot like a potato skin, in both texture and flavor, which is odd but not horrifying.

How should I use it? Eat it raw, add to oatmeal, throw at a clown who is more menacing than funny, gently braise with honey and ginger and mash with parsnips. If the need is desperate, it could satisfactorily substitute for the second wise man in a Nativity display.

What should I be careful of? Zespri is the international spy organization that controls all kiwi production, marketing and sales with an iron fist, so if you cross them, expect repercussions. Even they, however, acknowledge that some people have kiwi allergies. If you find yourself threatened, claim you have one and they’ll probably let you be. There’s a 14-day kiwifruit challenge out there that, if completed, will indoctrinate you into a cult thoroughly legitimate religion and make you spend all your money and your time purchasing, consuming, and writing odes to kiwis. Whether you should eat the skin or not is the subject of immense controversy, so if you’re not entirely certain which way your friends or family go, eat your kiwi in the privacy of your own bedroom, and make sure you clean up any juice squirtings.

What are some fascinating facts, whether true or not? The golden kiwi was invented in the late 1940s in New Zealand when a desperate shepherd attempted to save his marriage by carefully controlling pollination of a kiwi tree so it is only ever touched by a yellow insect. His wife loved the color, and they managed to stay together for another three years, until the fundamental incompatibilities led her to realize that she could leave and become Audrey Hepburn. Kiwis are also known as Chinese gooseberries, which is a fun word, even though it sounds better in British than American.

How would you rate it? On a scale of one to ten, I give the golden kiwi the news that iPhones will no longer have wired earbuds.

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