Why don’t women wear shorts?

One of my gym buddies recently raised my awareness of one of the great issues of our time: Capri pants.

Capri pants

There is, or at least was, a Groupon.

I was vaguely aware of Capri pants, owing to a surprisingly traumatic edict passed down by HR in one of my first jobs. Their declaration that Capri pants did not meet the company dress code was fodder for the Q&A section of the employee newsletter for months, as one month an employee insist that there were many Capri pants available that looked perfectly professional and demand to know why such an arbitrary restriction of sartorial freedom was being made, while the next month another “employee” would ask how it was possible that anyone would want to look like a lady of the night and why nobody cared about how thoroughly their delicate sensibilities were being literally urinated upon.

(The company is no longer in business.)

So, when my gym buddy complimented a fellow workouter’s pants, it somehow prompted me to look around the class and notice something I hadn’t in six years of going to my gym: while every man in the room was wearing shorts, every woman was wearing Capri-style workout pants, probably from Lululemon.

[involuntary shudder]

Now, fashion of any kind is not my strong suit, and women’s clothing in particular falls under the category of “girly things that I don’t understand.” (As a wise woman [maybe dog? Or monkey? It’s complicated] once said, “That covers a lot of ground“) When I observed that it was kind of strange that shorts technology hadn’t crossed the XX/XY chromosomal divide, she looked at me like I was insane. Chastened, I didn’t push for an explanation of why women don’t wear shorts, even though it’s something that I’m still curious about.

I could ask again, but I figure it will be more fun (and potentially offensive!) to come up with my own theories.

1) Maybe women don’t actually have leg bones, so the Capri pants act as an exoskeleton to allow them to stand upright and do box jumps way better than me.

2) Maybe women are concerned that exposing the knee is something that only witches do, so if they wear shorts they’ll be burned at the stake. (This would explain the singed stake that has been erected next to the gym’s monkey bars.)

3) Maybe women keep secret nuclear codes next to their thighs so they can veto it if the president decides to nuke France because someone Tweeted something mean at him in the middle of the night. Not that that would ever be necess… oh, crap.

4) Maybe women are much shorter and more numerous than we think, and what men perceive as a woman is actually several women stacked on top of each other, and the pants are there to preserve the illusion.

5) Maybe Scientology a perfectly legitimate religion demands it.

6) Maybe women all own stock in Capri pant companies, and they’re secretly becoming rich, while stupid men keep buying shorts that they have no financial stake in.

7) Maybe they protect against bear attacks, and men are stupid not to wear them.

8) I dunno, something to do with Hamilton?

9) Maybe they actually are shorts and I don’t actually know the difference between shorts and Capri pants.

10) Groupon!

I’m not sure which of these is right, but I’m pretty sure I stumbled onto the truth somewhere in there. So read and be enwisened.

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