A Winter Workout Pitfall

We’re into December. Being in the Northern Hemisphere, that means winter, and more precisely, cold.

Unfortunately for me, that means snot. Basically, I’m going to have a low-level runny nose from now until about May. I won’t really be ill; it’s just a consequence of winter that I need a huge pile of tissues nearby at all times. (Well, winter and the ready availability of the internet.)

The runny nose lasts even when I go inside, which poses an unusual challenge for fitness. Workouts involve sweat, the excess of which can easily be remedied through the use of a workout towel. When combined with a runny nose, however, there is at least a horrifying ambiguity: Is what you’re wiping away truly just liquid, and therefore safe to wipe using a towel, or is it pure golden manna that must be cleaned by a more disposable option?

That does raise another question, however. What should we call the combination of nose sweat and snot that forms when, well, they come together? I feel like there should be a name for that.

And so I’ve come up with one.

Given the rather horrible political happenings of the past few weeks, I felt it would be right to take my cue for the name of this material from the example of santorum.

So, which evil politician should a mix of sweat and mucus be named after? I actually struggled with this, because the sweat-mucus blend is sort of a trivial problem. So it needs to be named after someone equally trivial. Naming it “Trump,” for example, would inappropriately diminish the evil that that individual has threatened and likely has the power to unleash.

So who is awful enough, but ultimately unimportant enough, to warrant being named after this?


New Jersey Governor and presidential fart-rag Chris Christie—the guy who recognized Donny’s danger, then endorsed him, then for his trouble was given important tasks like picking up his burgers from McDonald’s, then seemingly got back in the president-elect’s good graces, only to be then dumped again—will hereafter give his name to the curious blend of sweat and snot that results from winter workouts.

Let’s hope Christie—both the person and the snot-sweat mixture—remain trivial this winter and for the rest of time.


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