I’m Lucky I Don’t Have Fashion Sense

While on Facebook recently, I unwisely clicked through to a clickbaity article, albeit from a reputable source, about the “11 items that no fit guy should be without“—i.e., the clothes you absolutely positively must be wearing at the gym so you don’t look like a noubche. (That’s a combination of a knob, a noob, and a douche. It’s the worst thing a human can be without voting for Trump.)

"Stylish" T-shirt

But what makes it stylish? Is it the horizontal lines? Or the vertical lines? Maybe the black band around the inside of the neck that nobody will see? Or the retro TV test-pattern pattern?

It’s a valuable list. And not just because it tells you that you need a T-shirt, and one that’s apparently stylish. No, it’s valuable in a more literal way. $900.88—that’s the cost of these 11 items.

Of course, the editors of Esquire showed restraint. They didn’t include a technical warm-up jacket in their list of 11 items, because as they humbly declared, “Call us old fashioned, but you don’t necessarily need a technical warm-up jacket to go to the gym.” So instead they replaced it with the “great” looks of a gray hoodie. ($44.99).

Fortunately this restraint didn’t carry through to the lower body, because one of the essentials is tailored sweatpants. After all, “Tailored track pants are as important on men’s runways as they are in the weight room.” So you’d better have them!

Also, what’s the difference between tailored pants and just normal pants, and is tailoring something that normally happens to sweatpants?

Anyhow, if you have $900 to burn—well, you’re out of luck, because all this stuff costs $900 and 88 cents, so if you don’t also have the 88 cents, you’re doomed to a life of noubchebaggery. On the other hand, being a noubchebag means that you can just go to the gym and workout without having to worry too much about whether you’re wearing the right T-shirt, so maybe it’s not so bad.

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