Monthly Archives: March 2017

The End of a Comfortable Unhappiness

There’s been huge news in my life.
I’ve gotten a new job and will be moving to Ohio in the very near future.
This is simultaneously great and terrifying, although the great is much more rational than the terrifying.
The biggest thing is that I’m optimistic about the job. Obviously, you can’t know until you start, but there’s some reason to believe that it will be a good fit, in terms of the field that I want to be in and the skills I have or can develop and the people I’ll be working with and all of that. It’s been a long time since I could say that; my immediate past job was a really good one in most respects, but it also wasn’t right for me in some big ways. And the one before? We don’t need to go into that.
It also means that I don’t have to job-hunt, which I’m very excited about. I’ve been doing so almost continually for six years, and it’s terrible. It’s time-consuming, and time-consuming in really stupid ways, as anyone who’s ever uploaded a resume and copied the contents of the resume into the same application system will attest. It’s also demoralizing at the best of times, and dehumanizing at most times. A rant about that is forthcoming, as I have Stories.
The terror includes all sorts of irrational stuff (do they have running water there? What about a gym that’s not Planet Fitness?) that always happens with the unknown. The more unsettling bit is, that it’s kind of put up or shut up time. I don’t know, I don’t like that phrasing—it suggests that life is a binary, either good or bad kind of thing. But with this, a couple of the big weights that have been hampering me for several years are off my shoulders. I’m hoping that will make it easier to do more and better things that I want to do with my life—with racing and fitness in general, and with writing, and with being a more fully engaged human. But now it’s time to make sure that happens, and prevent other, equally heavy weights from falling on me.
I don’t want to be too negative about that possibility. Even though my situation hasn’t been particularly good for many years, there has been progress in lots of areas, so I don’t think the issue is entirely that I’m a lazy whiner who is more concerned about making excuses than doing things. But it’s weirdly frightening to have those weight lifted.
There’s a lot that I don’t like about my current life, but I understand it and my place in it. I’m losing that understanding and that’s hard.
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