The Feral Elliptical Machine

I feel like I’ve made a reasonably successful transition to Ohio, but I am still capable of being surprised by many of the things I see.

For example, this:

Feral elliptical machine in the park

What we have here is an elliptical machine in the wild. While wild ellipticals (apparatibus ellipticis ferox) do exist, they are extraordinarily rare outside of their range (primarily along the eastern seaboard from northern Georgia to southern Maine, but particularly common in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Long Island). As a result, I formed the conclusion that it was, in fact, a domestic elliptical (apparatibus ellipticis mansueti) that had escaped or (cruelly) been released by its owner.

My hunch was confirmed when I approached the machine. Wild ellipticals are often hostile, but this specimen welcomed my approach and even nuzzled my face in a friendly manner.

Me approaching the feral elliptical.

Sadly, the elliptical had been wounded, though whether it was the result of an injury suffered in the wild or abuse from its owner, I cannot say for certain.

The elliptical's injury.

However, I like to believe that any injuries were relatively non-traumatic, as the machine exhibited no fear of me. In fact, after a sufficient introduction, the machine even consented to allow me to ride it.

Riding the Feral Elliptical

Sadly, I was not able to provide the forever home that this elliptical deserves, as my apartment has a strict no-pets policy and the local animal control agency refused any responsibility for elliptical machines of this nature.

So I bound its wounds as effectively as I could, gave it a handful of batteries and plugs, and sent it on its way with all the best thoughts I could muster.

The next time I passed that spot, it had left, but I believe it had everything it needed to have a delightful life, as it was in a pleasant park with ready access to forests, fields, water, and electrical outlets. The alternative is simply too horrifying to contemplate, because elliptical prostitutes never live happy lives.

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