Category Archives: Sunday Mockery

Marketing Mockery: Holy Crap, Deadlines! Version

Before I mock some fitness-related marketing, let me whine a bit. I’ve got deadlines up the wazoo this week. And last week, all of which I successfully met, but I’ll be crazy busy through Friday. And yet, here I am, posting for you, hoping to give the OCR world a bit of a chuckle, when my employer (and my freelance gig) would prefer that I be working my arse off to finish their projects. So I hope you enjoy it. And while it doesn’t necessarily come through via the internet, I mean “I hope you enjoy it” as a threat. If you don’t enjoy it, I will say unpleasant things about you, if you’re Adam Sandler. (I suppose it’s possible that I just don’t like Adam Sandler. I’m still traumatized by That’s My Boy.)

Anyhow:

Underarmor store displayWhy yes, Underarmor. I would like to be bettep.

(Okay, that was cheap. I mean, it’s mocking a typo that isn’t even a typo—a bit of the sticker on the window just ripped off. On the other hand, they do have a store on Michigan Avenue in Chicago, so I feel like they can withstand this withering criticism. I’ll make up for it with my well-reasoned comments on the next one, though.)

Let me turn your attention to the magazine being advertised. First off, the juxtaposition of nameplate and cover image is problematic: covering up the “for” makes it look like the magazine is called “Healthy Men,” which combined with the image of a fit, shirtless man means that the piece could easily be confused for a catalog of buff studs to purchase for holding bookshelves or perhaps as centerpieces for the buffet at a high-end dinner party.

Moving past that, the method of advertising is a bit… well, not actually off, really. This goes back to my journalism school days and analyzing magazine strategy, so you’ll have to stick with me for a while. Consider Men’s Health, which one could feasibly argue is the most important magazine launch of the 1980s, because it successfully adopted the Cosmopolitan model (which can be rudely oversimplified as a blend of “you don’t look good enough and here’s how to fix it” and “here’s how to get laid”, with a bit of a clubbish atmosphere thrown in for good measure) and showed that men would buy it too. This magazine seems to be trying to go a half-step further and adopt the Woman’s World supermarket newsstand model—promising bajillions of quick fixes for your life and kajillions of dollars of savings for the low, low price of just a dollar twenty-five. (Okay, fine, a pound twenty-five, pretentious Brits.)

Based on that, and without having actually seen the magazine, I would say that the magazine is probably as utterly crap as Woman’s World almost undoubtedly is. (I haven’t actually read an issue of that magazine either, but its unholy blend of desserts, diets, and Dr. Oz can’t be good.)

Of course, that doesn’t mean it’s a bad business model. According to Wikipedia, Woman’s World sells more than 1.2 million copies per weekly issue. So maybe this British Women’s World for Men has a bright future.

Previous Marketing Mockeries:
Nothing to Do with Taxes Edition
Twitter Superlative Edition
Welcome to the Dungeon
Passive Aggressive edition
Let’s Math
The First One

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Funny, Sunday Mockery

Marketing Mockery: Nothing to Do With Taxes Edition

And it’s a good thing that it has nothing to do with taxes; my withholding got messed up so I’m owing a solid $900 this year. It’s a good thing I’m going climbing today—that always improves my mood. And speaking of:

DSW adThis ad for DSW comes from the bus stop nearest my apartment, and it struck me because it features somebody who appears to want to appear to be doing some rock climbing/bouldering/etc., using the text of the ad as grips. Clever, in that it got my attention, except for the minor problem that DSW doesn’t sell climbing shoes. So maybe I’m wrong, and the guy in the ad is just being arrested. I guess it’s possible that I’m just using this post to brag about knowing what climbing shoes are. (I really hope I’m not wrong about my claim that DSW doesn’t sell climbing shoes; I guess I haven’t explored the store thoroughly, and I’m not really an expert on exactly what makes a shoe climbing or not. I think my assertion is well supported by teh internet, though, and that’s what really matters.)

Protective cup adThis one, on the other hand, comes from my beloved(?) Sports Authority. It reminds me of those old ads where a razor company said that some people think of shaving as something that a man does for three minutes a day, but that they think of it as something that a man does for a lifetime. This “First On Last Off” slogan is kind of like that. Only for your junk

Previous Marketing Mockeries:
Twitter Superlative Edition
Welcome to the Dungeon
Passive Aggressive edition
Let’s Math
The First One

1 Comment

Filed under Funny, Sunday Mockery

Marketing Mockery: Twitter Superlative Edition

Today’s Marketing Mockery comes not from individual tweets, but from Twitter pages. Such as:

WreckBag is a revolutionary fitness product designed to be as tough as its users.Revolutionary? Really? I mean, it’s a sand bag. It may well be an extremely good sand bag (I seem to have seen some nice comments about it through the ether, although I haven’t used one in person), but at heart it’s a bag with some weight in it. For it to be truly revolutionary, I would set the bar around “invented gravity.”

SportSafe BodyMarker: Identify, Express & Inspire with No-Tox, Water-Proof, Body Markers for Swim Meets, Tri's, Obstacle Races, Roller DerbyAgain, quite possibly a fine product. The word “inspire” here is what gets me. I’m rarely inspired by what a competitor writes on his or her body, particularly when what he or she writes is “Eat My Bubbles.” I really hope that’s not a new fetish I need to keep up with.

Marathon to Mud Run. Changing the way athletes secure their bibs!Again, really? Potentially a good product, but I don’t feel like my bib has been secured any differently. (It also loses points for making it hard to figure out what exactly they’re selling—it turns out it’s clothes with a pocket for the number to go into, but I feel like I met them more than halfway to figure that out.)

Plus, a bonus:

What is your favorite race? With answer: I like blacks.Yeah, they probably could have predicted where that was going. Although, perhaps to Spartan’s credit, it seems like minor Twitter kerfuffles aren’t really the type of thing that bother them, and to their fans’ credit, the question hasn’t turned into an internet cesspool of internettyness. I’m a bit surprised nobody has said something like “BattleFrog.” My response (the 400 I.M.) was probably the closest, and that was a lie—the 400 I.M. is an evil swimming race devised by evil people for evil.

Previous Marketing Mockeries:
Welcome to the Dungeon
Passive Aggressive edition
Let’s Math
The First One

2 Comments

Filed under Funny, Spartan Race, Sunday Mockery

Marketing Mockery: Welcome to the Dungeon

#AD Let's talk about the "other" side of active. The behind the scenes type of things you don't see or think.This one isn’t in and of itself funny. It leads to a sponsored post on Relentless Forward Commotion, which is addressed perfectly ethically, at least as much as is possible when publishing collides with sponsorship—the author declares it up front, and the blending of sponsor messages and editorial content is minimal, and basically logical. (The connection between Stayfree and Gaiam TV isn’t exactly obvious, I guess, but if they choose to cross-promote, that’s between them and their god.)

And while this blog hasn’t sold out by publishing sponsored posts, that’s due to lack of opportunity rather than anything high-minded. If someone made the right deal, you’d probably hear a cartoon whooshing effect, complete with spinning garbage can lid and spinning chair and spinning other things caused by the wind from me rushing to take it.

So the funny bit: I’m willing to go halfway. Stayfree? Let me promote you. For a modest fee, I will run the Indianapolis Spartan Sprint in May while wearing your product. I’m not even certain what Stayfree is. I know it’s a lady product, which years of stereotypical comedy tells me is inherently hilarious, but being a single male I’ve never made any more thorough investigation. Wait, let me Google…

Absorbent… wicks moisture away from the body… that might actually work.

Stayfree, the ball is in your court.

(Let’s all agree to ignore the slightly unfortunate phrasing of that last sentence, eh?)

Brochure for a BDSM clubHey, a real-world ad! Actually, a brochure. For a BDSM club. Not really funny, I guess, except for the fact that BDSM is something you don’t discuss in polite company, even though it happens a lot more than people would like to admit.

The funny bit comes from location: I found this in the bathroom of one of the posh downtown “vertical malls” on Michigan Avenue. The kind that allows people to bring their dogs, because the only people who do so have the designer toy dogs that they dress up and that are terrible. I’d love to watch the vapors they would have to pretend to have as they storm off upon seeing this brochure, before they come back when they think no one’s watching so they can grab it.

DSW couponLook at that! Real, genuine, personalized birthday wishes from DSW! They really care about me. Well, maybe $5 less than a premier person, but still, that’s a lot of caring. Especially since I only buy some shoes, rather than all the shoes. Really, instead of spending this, I should frame it to remind me of that one time I was loved.

Previous Sunday Mockeries:
Passive Aggressive edition
Let’s Math
The First One

3 Comments

Filed under Funny, Sunday Mockery

Sunday Mockery: Passive Aggressive edition

I am suspicious of the number of people who have given up my blog for Lent. Runninglonely.com #runchatThis is the first Sunday Mockery feature-ee that I’m sharing out of admiration. See, on Twitter (and other social media), a lot of people will make these passive-aggressive pleas for retweets: “RT if you support our military!” “RT if you love Jesus!” “RT if you don’t believe in killing babies for sport!” — with the implication that if you decline to artificially boost their social media stats, then you are a Bad Person who Does Not/Does sufficiently like a Thing that is Good/Evil.  That general concept isn’t unique to the interwebs—remember when “patriotism” in potential political leaders was “determined” through the presence and size of the American flag lapel pin?—but Twitter is a natural home.

One could argue that this one has a twinge of that—but it’s also funny. Which is what got me to visit the blog, and got it added to my sidebar, and made it one I think I’ll be watching even though it seems to be running- rather than OCR-focused. So, you know, well done.

So you're on #Twitter... BUTT are you following #killcliff? Make it happen.Unlike this one. Now, to be honest, I first saw this on my phone, and the picture didn’t fully show. So I just thought it was a typo, and while I’m not a fan of grammar Nazi-ing in general, there is a difference between typos slipping into a sizeable, deadline-pressed publication and a 76-character tweet that a company paid to display to non-followers, and so my extraordinarily witty comment was that apparently asses are now conjunctions.

Then preparing this post I saw that “BUTT” was actually a… pun, I guess? Maybe they’re trying to visually describe the product’s taste? I don’t know. I’ve spent way too much of my life thinking about it. Unlike…

You Could Win $7,000.00 a Week for Life on 4/30 It's FREE to ENTER!… Publishers Clearing House, which apparently still exists, and which is doing well enough at convincing people they’ll win money that they can buy sponsored tweets to remind people that they exist. Although I think perspective may be being used for dodgy purposes here. I suspect that boat could actually fit into my bathtub, which as you may recall, is not quite large enough for me to fit into.

Previous Sunday Mockeries:
Let’s Math
The First One

4 Comments

Filed under Funny, Sunday Mockery

Sunday Mockery: Let’s Math!

Obstacle racing releases more than just Sweat!

Namely, astigmatism.

Though seriously, those two guys without glasses. Nerds.

Fall seven times, stand up eight - Anonymous

Let’s count it out! Fall down (1). Stand up (1). Fall down (2). Stand up (2). Fall down (3). Stand up (3). Fall down (4). Stand up (4). Fall down (5). Stand up (5). Fall down (6). Stand up (6). Fall down (7). Stand up (7). Wait, I still have to stand up one more time? Should I fall down again? No, that would make the saying less inspirational? Okay, I’ll just… stand up more? (8).  Either “up” has a different meaning than I think it does, or “stand” does, or “motivation” does.

5 Comments

Filed under Funny, MuckFest MS, Nuclear Race, Sunday Mockery

Sunday Mockery: A Possible New Feature

I’ve decided (or at least, considered the possibility that) it would behoove me to be more aggressive in my non-reverence. In that spirit, and in what may become a new regular thing here at Fat Boy Big Wall, allow me to provide some gentle mockery of the OCR world. (And see below for my justifications, and my worries, and other random brain-explosions.)

The bits:

Muckfest Tweet announcing The Bachelor involvment
Muckfest Facebook post announcing the Bachelor

Is it really wise to share mud pits with the VD-riddled cast of The Bachelor? That’s a crew with enough strains of gonorrhea to save Tinkerbell.

Warrior Dash "follower" post

Show you’re not a follower… by following us!

The concerns

If I may brain dump, let me express my concerns. Basically, snark is fun and all, unless it’s aimed at you. Then, it might be fun, but it might not be. In a former job, I was (by a weird mix of circumstances) a significant conduit to the public, in addition to holding the actual, professional position with functions that had to be done. So I was the recipient of a lot of humor, and a lot of “humor,” and a lot of outright hostility that targeted me because I was a convenient representative of the organization, even though I generally had nothing to do with the subject of the complaint. Being targeted constantly like that massively sucked, and several years of it had a lot to do with how fat I got. So I’m leery of doing that to another person.

Of course, I’m making fun of marketing efforts, which are often inherently absurd. I know this as both a recipient (I once got a press release whose only announcement was that the company had just returned from a major trade show. It was issued about three weeks after said trade show, so either they traveled by koalaback or they ran into a very drunk Doctor Who on the way.) and producer of marketing (checking the math on the statistical reports that employer issued used to chill me to the bone).

My sense of humor tends toward the absurd, so my mockery will in general go at diagonals away from the posts I mock, rather than directly at their heart. (Unless, of course, I detect malice—including that nefarious, doe-eyed “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone so I’m sorry if you were offended” bullshit that is so prevalent among assholes.) That, and the fact that I am giving the mock-ees a Twitter favorite and a link to boost their social media engagement stats, is how I’m justifying my actions in my mind. Even so, I’m not 100% sure that’s right, and my policy may change. If you’ve got feedback, let me know in comments.

5 Comments

Filed under Funny, MuckFest MS, Sunday Mockery, Warrior Dash